Yet again, it’s been a while since my last confess.. wait.. wrong line.. it’s been a while since my last blog post. We are into Feb 2021 now and the pandemic is still being a complete arsehole. I am trying desperately to stay positive in these times but I have to confess (guess that line earlier was right after all..) that I am extremely fatigued now. I’ve been so busy trying to convince other people to stay positive and I am desperate to believe that this pandemic will be a tiny blimp in my life eventually. But it is hard. To keep an eye on what’s to come and try to see the good instead of the bad. There will always be shitty things going on in the world but there’s also a lot of good and beautiful things too! So here I am, reflecting on how I feel just now. I’m writing this post in the hope that it brings me some comfort, maybe it can bring others something similar.
As I’m writing this, Valentine’s Day is drawing to a close. Yup, good ol Feb 14th. The holiday that always annoys me in general. I know it may sound bitter but I’ve always had a problem with this holiday, whether single or not. There’s this expectation thrust upon us one day out of the year, to prove we are loved. It’s understandably triggering for many people. For me personally, it gets me questioning many aspects of my life… am I happy? Am I okay with where I am in life right now? And when I start questioning myself I start turning negatively inward. I start to pull apart my character to the point I feel like I’m in pieces on the floor. Perhaps this is just the cherry on the top of a very emotional week for me. Monday started out well enough, couple things went wrong (snow storm securing me in the house.. washing machine broke) but I was still trudging on absolutely fine. The week went in pretty quickly, I was generally feeling okay. Then I had a couple hours between online meetings/lectures on Friday and it suddenly struck me. I’m fucking exhausted! I have no idea why I suddenly realised this but a wave of emotion hit me pretty hard. The realisation that I was completely burnt out made me feel weak. Academically, emotionally, physically, mentally, socially… my warning light came on and I wanted to hit the fuck it switch so bad.
I’ve been trying to stay positive for everybody else and it’s ran me right down. I’ve also been studying for the past 4years for my degree. I’ve been tearing my hair out over assignments and exams just to jump through the hoops I need to in order to get to where I want to be. My plan was to go on to a phd or masters once I’d graduated but knowing I still have another year left just made me want to cry. I’d had enough. Surely by now I have proven myself worthy? But all the universities see is the end results. They don’t see the stress, tears, and tantrums along the way. Sometimes I swear if they saw the state I’d get myself into sometimes they’d just give me the degree and back away slowly. But we are always taught that nothing worth having is ever easy. And I agree to an extent. But when does it go too far? How far are you willing to go to prove your intelligence, your ability, your worth? It’s no wonder so many people are depressed or anxious. We are constantly trying to prove we are the best in show. But it’s like trying to be the prettiest flower by blooming the brightest so you get picked which is actually counterintuitive. I guess what I’m trying to say is, being the best version of yourself is good but remember to consider what sacrifices are worth it.
I know I’m not alone when it comes to experiencing burn out. I know many people go through it and many don’t even realise they are suffering. I’m currently writing an essay about clinical psychology and the only reason I feel able to continue with it is because that’s the field I’m interested in. I am passionate about mental health and well-being. I believe everyone should get to know themselves and their limits. Be confident in knowing when to step back. I feel I am very much at that point lately. Being happy and positive all the time is draining, especially when you’re not actually feeling that way. I will put my hands up and openly admit that I am one of the worst for hiding my true feelings from others. I want to feel like I make people happy to see or talk to me. I want to bring light to those stuck in the dark but maybe I should accept help from others too when I need it, instead of stubbornly keeping my eyes closed and stumbling all over the place. Is it too much to ask for people to be happy? I am the sort of person that would sacrifice their own happiness to see someone they care about smile, even just for a short while. I make jokes and have a laugh about the shitshow that is going on in the world and in my own life. I swear I get by on memes these days.
I blame Valentine’s Day for making me write this blog! My brain is in overdrive, questioning everything around me and all my decisions. I feel my fuse getting shorter and shorter to the point I’m worried I’m gonna lose the rag with someone I care about. There’s that part of me that just wants to cry from feeling so overwhelmed right now and the other part of me that just can’t seem to allow that to happen. I’m not good at crying. I usually just hide away and feel numb a lot of the time. I know it’s not healthy and I’m trying to change that but I just can’t let go. I’m hoping this will pass soon. It usually does. The worst part is, I know exactly who I want to run to but my walls are so high that it prevents me from doing so. I’ve no idea if you’ll even read this, but we are the same in many ways. I can tell a good heart when I see one. We all have baggage and often feel like we could be poisonous for the other but right at this moment, I just want to live in the moment. No past, no worries about the future, just the here an now. That’s all I care about.
Every other aspect of my life is thinking about my future, I just want one thing which is just in the now. No expectations of one another. I can’t help but think that many people would benefit from living in the now. That’s why I’m not a fan of this commercial holiday. It adds to this expectation on our partners. While very sweet and lovely for some, it can have such a negative effect on relationships. That’s just my opinion though. I realise not everyone will agree with me and that’s entirely fine. Be kind, be considerate, be loving. And most importantly, be open… communication is key!
I feel like that was quite some rant I had there! Guess there was more bottled up than I realised! I’m gonna sign off now anyways, tomorrow (or today seeing as it’s 12:35am) is the start of a new week. There will be highs and lows. There will be good shit and there will be bad shit. I’m gonna try ride this rollercoaster of emotions like a pro (ahh remember theme parks? *sigh*). Anyway, look after yourselves and remember to always be kind.